Seneca wrote" Just as so many rivers, so many showers of rain from above, so many medical springs do not alter the taste of the sea, so the pressure of adversity does not affect the mind of the brave man. For it maintains it's balance, and over all that happens its own complexion, because it is more powerful than external circumstances." I have pondered this thought and I am not sure if I fully agree. However, it also makes the most sense. While this cold eye of my body, my health, continues to plague me, I feel that I have changed, not so much my body, but my mind, my inner being. These last couple of days, my shell of skin, no matter if I have taken extra meds, it hurts. I have been in misery. The one point that has changed is, I understand more and more why some want to, end their life. I keep asking the doctor when will I feel goofy, in la la land? I receive the same reply' if your body needs pain medicine, you will not end up in a trance.' Just once i would love to wake up and be free of this shackle, this illness of my body. Does the affliction, I go through, truly balance me. I realize that I do not have the strength or desire to murder myself. The wonder of life, the hummer bird fighting off the wasp at the feeder, the catbird that chases way the robin at it's bath water, or the gentle breeze on my unruly hair, I wait for the incredibly, astonishing, the surprise of life. So I keep coming back to the main point; what has truly change; the brain or the body?