The last few days have been damp, gloomy, cloudy and of course with a wonderful drizzle. Many yards, driveways, streets are flooded. For this time of the year, I have seen more rain then I can remember. I have never been concerned about flood insurance, however with weather alerts warning us of flooding, I think about it a little more often. Our lives are a mishmash of should I or should I not, what if, maybe, oh well, a little to late. I am sure you get the picture. My mother has repeatedly stated that life is an experiment. Once you have made a decision, for the most part, we can not undo. For instance, if a child disobeys, you could spank or yell, but once you are done, the course has been laid. We come back to the thought of, the should I or should I not?
The same is while you are battling a disease, the should I have or what if, come forth. There are many times, when I look back, maybe if I would have done something differently, maybe? I really cannot look into the future. I will never know if I should have taken that one anti-rejection drug or not. I actually tried three different types. All three cause some sort of harm to my body and yet with this further damage having occurred, was there any benefit? I will never know if I had not taken one of them could I be worst off then before. It seems to be that I am always searching, hoping, wondering if the abundance of life has been fulfilled? We so often feel that the abundant life is made of money, how many shirts are hanging in the closet or is the pantry full. Do I have enough insurance? We as a society are graded by the car we drive, the biggest home on the street, how many organizations we belong to. And why am I the one who is sick? Why not that person? Are people thinking that I am cursed or did something wrong and that is why I am diseased? A leper?
A poet once said:'Abundance is scooped from abundance, yet abundance remains.' or what about:
' All this is full. All that is full.
From fullness, fullness comes.
When fullness is taken from fullness,
Fullness still remains'

Or what about:' the greatest fullness seems empty, and yet it's use is endless.'

Regardless if I have enough flood insurance or not there is still plenty from which I can pull. All I need to do is pull from a view of the mountains, watching the droplets hang on the bough of an evergreen, watching the juncos play in the rain. Looking at the creation that abounds around me is the insurance that I need.
With a wink and a nod HeWal

Before I retired, I read, I garden, went to book stores, greenhouses, I colored/sketch, and had a different bakery for each day of the week, and the special one's every other week. Now reading and gardening, eating bake goods, I get by, however the sketching not so hot at. So I am reading about how to use the right side of our brain with art, the blending of colors, what sort of pencil I need. I have bought every brand of colored pencils, plain, water colore, or prismacolor, Nicole, pro, derwent, Pitt pastel and on and on I go. I have boughten a dozen books on how to draw. I asked my younger sister about many things when it comes to drawing. I have come to realize that some parts of the brain will need to wait before it can do some of these items. At least my stick people are colorful!
I love to read and I buy books like I buy color pencils.If I read a book a week, I will never have enough time to read them all and that is reading the books I have at home. But off I go to the library or I go to a store that sells only new books and I cannot help it, I love used book stores. I cannot walk out that door without having that book in my hand. The moment I walk out of that door, I regret that moment, of not purchasing. I my not read it cover to cover but I need it for research. Research that I am going to do next spring, or for that question I am not sure how to answer, or for a quiz on TV. YES, I will need that book.
I know you can go online to look at books, to buy books, but and that is a large but, I love the smell of books, the feel of the paper, the dust it collects and it completes every room in a house.
Every garage sale, pawn shop, auction, estate sales have that one book you will need. It is the same with a garden center, I stop at everyone I come across. Just ask the boys, every vacation was around a nursery with that one Hosta I want to look at, just to look. Vactions also were about going to each bakery in every town. You can learn so much about a town's makeup by just what type of goodies they sell.
When in autumn the trees turn to the warmth colors of reds, browns, yellows, greens, oranges. This turning of colors is simply the sap heading into the core of a tree. Sap in Sanskrit means essence that which brought the tree to life. When the leaves fall it is not death just a way to reenergize after the gloomy days of winter
So when I have some bad days, weeks, or months I remind myself to just drive and see what baked good is around that corner, what dusty old book laying in a corner of a garage and the smell of that one plant to complete my room, my garden, my tummy, my leaf. With the running of the sap, I energize my core.
With a wink and a nod HeWal

So many changes in such a little time. The nights are getting longer, with shorter days. I love these short days. The sun means so much more when it peeks out. The sunsets are so colorful and dramatic. The drama coming from the layering of clouds. The layers then reflect a different color scheme which would be missed during the longer days. The darken days are packed with the chance of catching up with reading, projects left aside when flower beds are in full bloom, and a time of conversations lost in the heat of summer. The sunlight striking off the wings of crows, the sycamore's shaggy bark lighten up the darken streams, the air with the scent of pine.
This perid of time reminds me of the following words:
'the best things are nearest-breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the Path of Right just before you. Do not grasp at the stars, but do life's paling common work as it comes, certain that daily dittoes and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.'
When the woes of life seem to swallows us, what better time to review the wonders of life. I understand though, it can be difficult to recall such times. We have worries that seem to shadow the brilliance of winter's light. Soon the longer days will be upon us, crowding our days with the planting of seeds, spying out the songs of birds migrating on the winds and watching for the first peek of flowers.
The winter days intensify the pain of my disease, polymyositis, or just poly as I affectionally call this curse. There are times when I just want to scream because my skin is so itchy. Even wearing clothes irrates my skin. It is as if my skin is bruised and the material chaffs. A hug or a hand shake can be painful, except a hug should comfort not hurt. I would rather endure a hug then to ignore the gesture of love. Brightening the long cold day of winter.
With a nod and a wink HeWal

The last few months have been very difficult. I am not sure why? Maybe it is combination of items that have contributed to this feeling of being puny. I lost one of my dear brother-in-laws, neglecting the gardens, hot weather, this disease that creeps evey closer to consuming me. However, I am once again, being trained, trained to endure. This training, this endurance, helps me to understand how my body acts and reacts. This understanding comes from being sensitive to my body needs and what it does not need. What I can take or not take with medicine, vitamins, herbs. Do I need to sleep 10-16 hours, should I walk around the block or two blocks? Can I eat what I want? My habit is to eat sweets. I can eat sweets for all three meals and snacks. Eating sweets all day will not help in strengthing my muscles. It takes real endurance on my part in avoiding sweets all day. It takes real endurance on my part when it comes to speaking. I have to make a decision to either sing or anwser, or read out loud or give a talk. My vocal cords are affected by polymyositis. The voice is much better for now but did I learn for myself to recognize that I need to be careful in this area. I need to understand I can no longer swallow a handful of pills, or chug a drink, or swallow without chewing for I can choke. I need to think before I eat/drink. We all need to readjust our thinking as we grow older But for me pride seems to stand in that path.
I did clean up the flower beds. Every year I look forward to edging the beds. My implement, slices through the grass roots that have started to inch themselves into the beds. Creating smells, wafting gently from the damage roots, the soil, the organism in which we cannot see. Holding those clod of soil for just a moment helps me to understand why gardening is so natural for not just me but for many.
It was once said 'to remain whole, be twisted!
To become straight, let yourself be bent.
To become full, be hallow.
Be tattered, that you maybe renewed.'
Until the next time HJ