What or whom should one believe? We are surrounded by libraries full of the printed page expressing thoughts of new age, past philosophies, stoics, doom slayers and the list can go on and on. We live in a world of transient thoughts and books of what is good today. However it may not be good tomorrow. Take so much of one vitamin or heavy doses of fiber and you will be fine. Just about the time I have a routine of what is good it changes. No not that vitamin it should be this vitamin. The same with coffee, butter, eggs, chants or excerise, it is in constant change. Which leaves one with despair, in darkness and confused. With this our rainbow of light, our happiness grows dim.
Like myself, when faced with chronic pain and a progressive disease with no cure, what eases the mind and the soul? What transient thoughts or action will pull me/us out of this dark visage of sorrow? I can only tell you what has helped me.
I try to look at the small thing of life. For an example, this morning I heard the little wren sing with gusto. I wonder how can that little bird sing so loudly. I saw the first vulture soaring in our neighbor. Okay that might seem a little odd, but the vultures gone for winter return in early spring. A few weeks back, the small snow drops pop out of the ground showing off their nodding heads, the light purple crocus are out and along with the yellow aconites. These three flowers are small in structure but how they soar our hearts. They provide a small rainbow which brightens our soul.
There are times when our condition seems incurable and eloquently spoken words mean so little. But the song of the small wren brightens our morning. We so often fear the shadow, this dark spot. For me this shadow means there is light. Light that makes us smile. We seek the giants of life when it is the little things that provide the rainbow. It takes only a drop for the colors to show themselves. It is not the rope that holds us together. It is the small thread that binds. And when the thread that binds is stretch this thread is felt from one end to the other. If we find peace and comfort with ourselves we have no need to look further. I once read that a drop of water, which is lower than all things, yet stronger even than the rocks. Confucius stated "ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon of star."
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

From a early age I could hardly wait to finish school. I would dream of all the things I could do without school being in the way. Just think my mornings and afternoons would be MY time. But then my brother opened up a pet shop. Why that was what I called a perfect job. Being surrounded by birds, fish, small animals. After school I would dash from the junior high to the pet shop and then Judi would pick me up when she left work. When school was over with I wondered what my life would be, married, children, job, university, growing old etc, etc, etc.
My journey of life. How does one grade their journey of life? Do we grade our life based upon what sort of house we live in? Does one drive a new car? Is your car a hummer? What job does one grade themselves? A factory, a desk job, common job? What is retirement going to be? Traveling, cruises, another country? Is one's passport full of stamps?
But what happens when a disease cuts your life short? When you can no longer enjoy traveling? The country side holds no interest like it was when healthy. Or food at a restaurant no longer settles well? Sometime Ellen and I would get in the car and just start off in direction. No plans, just drive off.
The point is we should not grade our journey of life. My life is still a journey. I am still traveling. It seems that we grade our life in all of the wrong areas. So I have a disease that hinders my traveling. I am still breathing. Ellen still fixes unusual dinners. I can still read. I can still walk through gardens. Ellen last year mentioned that I should move my chair to different corners of the yard so I can see a different picture. And do you know it worked. Yes a journey has an end, however I am still on my journey. What matters is how are we viewing this trip. I am not only traveling the length but also the width, the height, the angles. The only boundary to my travels are the one's that I have placed in front of my. The moment you take your eye off the bull's eye, we deviate the course. I place limits by worrying about the trip. The doubts lock me. We cannot know what lies ahead. We only know the moment. So use the moment wisely and cheerfully, eagerly. We should measure the journey not by time but by the action, the thought we put into it. The moments we have are like jewels, not just about size but by worth. Our moments should be note-worthy, enduring, long lived, like the jewels of time. Not buried with clumps of sod on top but out in the sun, twinkling, brightly, alive with the spectrum of colors, colors of life, colors of a journey, colors of moments.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

When dealing with a progressive muscle disorder with no cure at this moment and produces progressive chronic pain, you/I need to focus on something else. It is so easy to stay focused on oneself. We focus on the pain, the tears, the anger, the whatever we face in life. What we face in life, you need to remember that life in itself is progressive. Thus all of us need a bull's eye in life.
Can you imagine what life would be like if every moment is a high? Why for me, it would be exhausting. It is like mountain climbing, if you only walked on the tip of each mountain without walking through the valleys and meadows we would miss so much. There would be no bull's eye to focus on. Life is full of sorrow, setbacks and a lack of fortunes. The rivers and vales of life are what our memories are made from. It takes courage to face the raging rapids of rivers. It takes human endurance to side step the land mines in the valleys.
The saying that pops into my mind are;" this too shall pass.". My 'this too shall pass' will last a life time. I had to change my way of thinking. I had to change my activites. I had to change my bull's eye. But my life is mine. These changes of life I developed for me. So I had to faced these changes. I had to and still am, changing my fear. I consider this disease as my misfortunes. Why oh why was I cursed? It is only a curse if you stay in that frame of mind.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

I once read "to live content with small means-to seek elegance rather luxury, refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to the stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never-in a word let the unbidden and unconscious grow up with the common."

The last couple of weeks have been so difficult to get through. The body is an amazing piece of life. You seem to be happy one moment and sad the next. I try hard to vitamins, herbs, and in not eating process food. However in a blink of an eye my body was in jeopardy. After seeing the MD, he sent me to the ER at Toledo Hospital. My toes were purple, swollen, and hurt while walking. Just from one day to the next, my toes on both feet were close to being amputated. I fretted about every moment after that, afraid that other clots were going to break and i would end up dead.
Why?
I cannot speak about others, but since my poly ( my pet name for polymyostsis) I have spent much effort to find happiness. Chasing that proverbial butterfly, while spending very little time on developing a character that will in itself, given any reasonable odds, make for happiness. No one is happy unless he/she is reasonably well satisfied with himself, so the quest for tranquility must begin with self-examination. Most time though, we do not like what we see. Further with this searching we come to see that each of us are unique and whose development alone can bring satisfaction. Each has a different butterfly. What works for one may not work for some one else
The ingredients of happiness are so simple that we might miss them. Happiness comes from within and rest most securely on simple goodness and a clear conscience. Selfishnesm is it's enemy. To make another happy is to be happy with one's self. It is quiet, seldom found for long in crowds, most easily won in a moment of solitude and reflection. It cannot be bought;indeed money has very little to do with it.
No matter what we face, in these dark moments of illness, we need to be happy with our selves. None of us are perfect and may find parts of our history that might darken it further. Thus with this mediation, self searching, just know, your peace you are searching for is there. Only you can do it for yourself.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

As you can see from the last blog, I was always on the move. I forgot about the little things in life. Yes I went through the motion of life. I read quickly and miss many small words or thoughts. I garden without truly enjoying it. I neglected the little insects and butterflies and birds. Oh yes I saw them and I really had fun but I was missing out. I got all caught up in this rat race of life. I forgot about the marvel of a seed pushed into earth. The color pattern of that little bee. I missed the antics of the squirrels. I always wondered how are the boys going to turn out. What will happen when they get older and how am I going to support this growing family. I was always thinking why, how, when, what, were etc. And I know I am not alone in this thinking. The problem with the ' rat race' it means by definition, that you and I are just that a rat/rodent. Racing from one spot to another, hoping to find that wonderful slice of cheese. What is the answer?
I can only anwser for myself. In the last six years, I have been battleing a muscle disorder. For me it meant to slow down. I was forced to pull in the reins of life. I loved running to this job, or that job, to volunteer for every little thing that was offered to me. However I was missing out on the little things of life.
So what changed? How was I able to pull out of this rat race of life? this battle? this disease? My disease saved my life. It forced me to slow down. Pushing on the brakes of life, I appreciate some of the smaller items. I have discovered some little sayings that have provided me lessons of simplicity. I hope you enjoy them as I have;
I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow.
Do you own your stuff or does it own you?
He who buys what he does not want ends in wanting what he cannot buy.
Too much good fortune can make you smug and unaware. Happienss should be like an oasis, the greener for the desert that surrounds it.
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.
A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as for the body.
Nature does not move in a straight line, and as part of mnature neither do we.
Neglecting small things because one wishes to do great things is the excuse of the faint-hearted.

Some find the thought of my disease saving my life troubling. However it has! I watched the baby squirrels chasing each other. Or the chipping sparrows catching worms dangling off the old locust tree. The many different kinds of bees tasting the sweet nectar of lovely flowers. I learnt that there are thousands different kinds of bees. You might think that this bit of information is odd, useless, however this bit of knowledge brought a smile to my face. What about you? How do you face the rat race of life?
With a wink and a nod, HeWal