I think the very moment, I popped out the womb, I started to run. All of my early thoughts, I have, are of racing. There was a woods, just west of the old brick house. I remember all of my the siblings and others were going to that woods. I wanted to go in the worst way. But I had to wear shoes. Shoes for feet that long to be freed! Any way, I could not find my shackles, so I wasted time in trying to find them. I found those blasted shoes, and had to run as fast as a mosquitoe being chased by a swallow. That one memory has always driven my energy, the race, the race to taste eferythinkg out in that big old world. You cannot erase a first impression anymore than can you recover eaten candy. My impression was laid out before me.
Many of the comments from teachers was just that, I seem to be racing. When first married, Ellen would state 'Herb please slow down. I cannot walk that fast.' Or when the boys were young, the same thing, their little feet had a hard time to keep up. I can remember one time we had gone on a walk in a State Park. I was charging up the path and before long I heard a soft cry from behind and there were the two boys struggling to keep up. The boys were afraid that I would leave them there in those dark scary woods.
I learned to talk fast, walk fast, work fast, learn fast,drive fast, read fast-you get the picture. But the moment I was strucked with this muscle disorder, every thing came to a quick stop. My whole way of living changed. When you work at a pace without slowing down may actually be addictive. Stress hormones such as adrenaline, noradrenalin, or cortisol fuel arousal and create a seductive rush, the so called adrenaline high. When we operate at a high enough intensity for long enough, we progressively lose the capacity to shift to any other gear. My gears are still grinding to a halt. Well actually the grinding stopped a few years back. I sometime forget that I have a muscle disease. When the pain pills first kick in I don't feel the pain as much and that first impression starts back up, run. I was like an infant, learning all over again, to slowwww downnnn. I no longer can do things on the fly, I must have the presence of mind of slowing and in case of uncertainty decide in a different light. In order to continue, I must have full engagement. Full engagement begins with feeling eager to get to work in the morning, equally happy to return home in the evening and capable of setting clear boundaries. To build capacity, we or I, must push beyond the normal limits, training in the same manner as an elite athlete. This disease, this training, this change of life must continue, continue without the use of my muscles, but with the brain. No matter what we are dealt with, in order to receive that rush from hormones, we must push. Life does not have to quit. No matter what condition we are faced with, continue to race, just race in the brain.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal