My body has not been cooperating with me. Why? The weather has been so wonderful that I am spending more and more time outside. I started working outside for about 20 minutes, then advancing to thirty minutes to 45 minutes and then the hour. However with the storms coming and going and my persistence of staying out longer my body has been very sore. So the other day, while slowing down, I was watching two bumblebees circle around each other. They would spiral up and then back down to about a foot or two above the soil. Up and down always in a circle. I was fascinated about this flight pattern. My first thought was a mating dance. It seems that bees, insects, animals, birds all have their own unique rituals. Look at us humans, with our own myriads of proper courtship. With most of them having been learnt from the many animals and birds that surround us. This morning while Ellen and I were drinking our coffee along with breakfast sweets, she noticed two bumblebees connected swirling around and around, up and down, always staying connected. They remind me of the American Bald Eagles where the lock their talons together climbing higher and higher then plummeting to the earth, talons still locked swirling ever faster, thinking that at any moment they will crash to the earth. You probably wonder what this all means while my body is in such pain. I was forced to sit and slow down and while slowing down on the yard work, I have noticed so much, missed if I was involved with pulling weeds. I have also noticed the many different types of butterflies, this spring, the Red Admiral, the Morning Cloaks, the Painted Ladies, the Commas and others. The short life span of butterflies, some have days, other a month, regardless they have enough time to accomplish all that is necessary in their short life. I hope that the same is with us, in our short life, we all have just the right amount time to experience life. With a wink and a nod-HeWal

The weather has been great this past week. A new driveway has been laid and it looks great. We have lived in this house for over thirthy years and never, I mean never have worked on this driveway. Even after both boys started driving nothing. The driveway out by the road the corners have been cut and the little bit yard by the bushes was just a mud hole. For the last few years, I have had only enough strength for work. I went to work and that was it. Just going to work. S the house started to look sad without the loving care it needed. The garage door didn't work, the windows had not been cleaned and that driveway. Just close my eyes and it was gone u til the next day. The flower garden were also pretty sad looking. Now that I am retired I am seeing more of the saddness in the yard. Starting in March when the weather was mild, I started edging the beds and culling out the vinca, lemon balm, and a few other flowers that have over taken the gardens. I am done with both and the yards seem happier. With catching up with the work, around the house, that had been so neglected also seem happier. There are days when I want to curl up and not wanting to see the light of the next morning. How can I continue when I hurt so badly? I can only function taking heavy doses of strong pain medicine. What sort of life is it when it hurts to walk, to sit, to bend down,to move from one spot to another spot? If I ponder to long my current situation in life with a disease without a cure, always progressing to worst pain, never giving me a break, I wonder why continue? It comes down to adjustment. I daily, hourly, each job I need to accomplish, I adjust. I adjust my five senses. The five senses are a flood gate of ceaseless streams providing pleasure for each pain that I feel. I and all others lust for knowledge, knowledge that feeds the mind. With each particle of knowledge, I adjust. I see a weed by the roadside, I wonder what good cand it bring. I see a gnat on the breeze and wonder it's purpose. I look at the gold lined cloud, with it's royal splendor of purple and crimson and wonder at the vaulted heavens and their purpose. Even in pain I hunger for knowledge, I thirst, I strive. From a million fountains bursting forth with cool, crystal droplets of knowledge, I adjust. With each adjustment I forget. I forget the sadness that surrounds my body. It provides a momentary relief from my shackled life. I realize that the door of forgetting, is within my reach. And only I can open that forgetful door.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

It took me years to understand the concept of what a team is all about. At work there is the team of bosses and there is the team of employees. If these two very different teams cannot mesh together then issues arise. Instead of the teams understanding each other, the two teams are in conflict. Butting heads, slowing down on the job, grievances abound, with both shouting that I am right. I have come to realize that we all are in teams. You need to have teamship with your neighbors other wise the fences can get pretty high. You need teamship while sharing the roads with others. You can just imagine the disasters that will occur. You need teamship with your doctor. Once again you can see the dangers when both of you are on a completely different page. And you also need to understand the team within your body.
Most of the reasons, the teams, that are in our lives are in conflict, is because we have not taken the time to understand each member and their rolls. Instructions miss the mark if you do not AIM for the person. Learn to make allowances for human conditions, talk specifics and methods for instruction. Both you and the team need to cover the who, why, what, where, and how. At the very beginning of any issue the team is facing, these four 'Ws' and the one H need to done immediately. Your first paragraph, your first conversation, your first action, need to be accomplished quickly. If your team does not understand why their jobs count and where they fit in the big picture, you will never have team you are proud of. Do not start your team before you and they know what you are doing and don't do all of the talking. The key in running a good team is a skill you cannot do without. The key to a good team is sound planning and follow thorugh. Think the assignment through and know each member on the team. Once all understand that jobs depend on quality, you can count on your team members to produce. But first you need to look around at yourself, rate yourself and then get going. A trivial misunderstanding can sometime wreck efficiency, put an end to teamwork. What is the best insurance against such foul-ups? Constant communications and an eye on the human factor. Be perceptive, avoid vagueness, be clear, factual, meet with the team with regularity and accept responsibility. When dealing with a progressive disease, with no cure, a disease that is so painful it becomes easy to neglect the magic of a team. At times I have allowed myself to become withdrawn and become focus on the dark side. It is worth a million dollars a year to have the habit of looking on the bright side of things. The one who conquers the difficulties of being dishearten, the one who conquers instead of bending to the storm is the kind of man who never fails. One needs to hammer and forge yourself, instead of dreaming yourself into a character. It requires a good and strong man to say " I was mistaken and am sorry." A weak individual will fail to do the right thing and often hesitates.
Remember your team within. It is that team that will make you, strengthen you, allow you to move one toe at a time. It is not easy to pull yourself up. BUT you are the ONLY one who can.
With so many teams in our lives it is a good thing to understand them all, and then we can move forward and deal to the best of our ability. It all starts with only a smile.
With a wink and a nod HeWal

During the winter, seeds lay beneath the cold earth, while our hearts dream of spring. In the depth of our soul lies our desires and hopes. The seeds of our hope are gentle reminders of the warming of days. Lying deep within our creased brains as silent reminders, having knowledge of the future like the seeds in the soil. Are these hope, these dreams misleading us? Or is the knowledge of what is hidden below the snows are as sure as the sprouts we will see in spring? The seeds stand naked in the bitter cold with biting winds spiraling the little bit of earth while seeking nutrients around them. With a tiny bit of sun warming the earth they stir even though the very breath of the winds carry hoar frost and snow.
Have our hopes, our dreams, faded with the cold? So deeply buried, we wonder if the sun can stir us, warm us. With the freezing winds, our very breath, are frozen upon the air, like sparkling crystals reflecting the sun's rays. Like restless waves moving up and down. Back and forth, back and forth thus our moods sway us. Dark to light, white to black, dust to crystals. This rainbow which we can create prods us, moves us, reminds us that our seeds will sprout. The spring flowers, the moon in autumn, the cools breezes of summer, the winter's snow, its idle concerns do not cloud the mind, this is the happiest season. The sun stirs our true instincts of nourishment, reproduction, social and sleep. We are are the water we drink, the air we breath, the soil in which we eat. We are never separated/isolated from the earth always reconnecting with the earth. No matter how hard the soil and how deep our seed is buried the earth is healing.
With a wink and nod-HeWal

We live in a time when many hope to have their 15 minutes of fame. Some will go to extremes in order to achieve that 15 minutes. The shock factor is alive and well. One of the reasons for the shock factor is the presumption that there is little room for new discovers. Oh once in a great while you will hear of a new frog or insect, but for the most part nothing of great importance are to be found. Most of us know the laws of the land, they are clearly defined and unchangeable. Many of the reality shows on TV try to push the boundary, going to the extreme in creating a masterpiece, experimenting in music, art, building or foods. But what about us? It has been said that the finest art is the art of living. The art of living could be found in any of these areas-health, writing, painting, habits, dress, grooming, manners, home life, religion, recreation, etc. However for many, we make our fame in how we deal with our struggles of life, health. All you have to do is to listen. Listen to others and you learn that their 15 minutes of fame is how the handle their illnesses. Are there not a hundred, hundreds of hostile germs that wage a war on our body. In early days we were provoked into making the most hazardous experiments. Many were lost in these tussles with sickness and still are being lost by hundreds daily. You might not discover a toad, but many of us have found a combination of this herb, with this vitamine, with this pain pill and wonders of wonders we fixed ourselves. We found a cure. The conquering of MY ills sheds a bright light upon all who I share it with. Only to find that the dispot of germs still has us shackled. I have found that by listening, paying attention to another's word, their stories of woe, is the best way to find my 15 minutes fame. This fame is held out to all of us. Imagine what the world would be like if just for a moment we close our mouth and open our ears. The art of living is the art of listening. The testimony of their experiences are the trophies we gain. These trophies are the fame we seek. This prize, this fame is the noblest kind of success. It takes effort on our part but so worth it.
With a wink and a nod HeWal

Years back when my sons were younger and my health was good, Ellen would invite a small group over for coffee and sweets. The company would stay for a couple of hours, simply enjoying the moment of conversation. Most of the friends who came over were individuals without a mate or because of age no longer can drive or be invited out. This past Sunday my mother-in-law had such an outing. She had a small group and all invited bought with them a dish to share. In the past the boys and I would fill serve the snacks, filled coffee cups and made sure all had plenty. This was the time for the host, Ellen, to be able to sit and enjoy the visit, since they spent time to make sure all was right. Since Ellen has been sick, Alex and I went to help Connie so she could enjoy the afternoon. We wash dishes, wipe counters, made sure fresh coffee was available. How I enjoyed the afternoon. However I also forget that I have an illness that is very painful. I had taken along some extra pain meds to get through the day. I was so tired by the time I got home. On Monday I felt like a truck ran me over.
I knew better. I knew that I should paced myself, I ignored the pain. Why? I ask that question a lot. Why? Why am I not in control of my body? How is it that I am in this situation? I am still a young enough man who should be still in my prime. Did I do something wrong? Am I being cursed? These negative thoughts can continue for a long time if we allow it.
When I am plagued with such thoughts, I try to immerse myself in a project. Like art, cooking or working outside. These small projects help to occupy my brain and before long the day is almost over. Yes, the negative thoughts are still there, however the time does go by quicker then just siting around sulking.
Something else that helps me is my attitude. I understand it is so easy to preach and easy to tell others how to get by. However since I have been plagued these past years I know what works for me; don't rehearse your woes or beg for sympathy. Don't burden your friends with a long tale of sorrow. It may be that they have even greater grief concealed. To unload your cares upon the back of another is selfish. You never know how great is the pack already, upon their back. The other may be bending beneath a heavier weight than our own. If you have the need to rehearse, rehearse something positive. Force yourself to find something of cheer to pass along. Watch the faces of your friends light up as you lead their thoughts away from gloom and care. You yourself will be lifted also, for others give back to us in kind. To talk happiness forthe world is sad enough without your woes. Look for the places that are smooth and clear. And speak to rest their weary ear. Brightness for brightness, gloom for gloom. The world is a mirror.
With a wink and a nod HeWal

For most of my life I have been a talker. I have come to realize that I actually talked over others. I thought that my words were important. I had an answer or words for every conversation. When my body started to break/slow down I was hearing differently. I was listening intently to other's word and their feelings. When someone asked "how is your day?" or " how are you feeling?" they really don't want for one to go into a discourse of their life. They want just a nod of the head or the reply " my day is fine" or simply the word 'okay'. Or how often had you asked-' do you need anything?' We all know that you are not going to get anything for them. It is only a polite question without action on our part.
However I now not only nod the head but also state' NO! how are you really feeling?' Once those words are spoken the second time you are telling the other, I really do want to know. You are saying I am concerned. Or the question do you need anything? Emphasis the point that you really do want to do an errand for them. State do you need any pills from the drugstore or do you want some chicken soup? You can further state that "listen I am going to the drugstore or I am going to the corner market. It is not bother to pick up something extra."
We have become a society who just speak words without meaning, without truly caring.
I daily face pain. I daily feel useless. I am sick and have become a burden. I had to retire early because I cannot handle the long drive day after day. I am no longer the bread winner. So when I can help someone,it makes me part of the society once again. Having been forced to slow down not only my body but also my hearing, I understand what it means to be sickly and the attitude of feeling lowly, of no use.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote;
'to laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;
to earn the approval of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to give of one's self without the slightest thought of return;
to have accomplish a task, whether by a healthy child, a recused soul, a garden patch or redeemed social condition;
to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exaltation;
To know that even one;
To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.'
With a wink and a nod HeWal

What or whom should one believe? We are surrounded by libraries full of the printed page expressing thoughts of new age, past philosophies, stoics, doom slayers and the list can go on and on. We live in a world of transient thoughts and books of what is good today. However it may not be good tomorrow. Take so much of one vitamin or heavy doses of fiber and you will be fine. Just about the time I have a routine of what is good it changes. No not that vitamin it should be this vitamin. The same with coffee, butter, eggs, chants or excerise, it is in constant change. Which leaves one with despair, in darkness and confused. With this our rainbow of light, our happiness grows dim.
Like myself, when faced with chronic pain and a progressive disease with no cure, what eases the mind and the soul? What transient thoughts or action will pull me/us out of this dark visage of sorrow? I can only tell you what has helped me.
I try to look at the small thing of life. For an example, this morning I heard the little wren sing with gusto. I wonder how can that little bird sing so loudly. I saw the first vulture soaring in our neighbor. Okay that might seem a little odd, but the vultures gone for winter return in early spring. A few weeks back, the small snow drops pop out of the ground showing off their nodding heads, the light purple crocus are out and along with the yellow aconites. These three flowers are small in structure but how they soar our hearts. They provide a small rainbow which brightens our soul.
There are times when our condition seems incurable and eloquently spoken words mean so little. But the song of the small wren brightens our morning. We so often fear the shadow, this dark spot. For me this shadow means there is light. Light that makes us smile. We seek the giants of life when it is the little things that provide the rainbow. It takes only a drop for the colors to show themselves. It is not the rope that holds us together. It is the small thread that binds. And when the thread that binds is stretch this thread is felt from one end to the other. If we find peace and comfort with ourselves we have no need to look further. I once read that a drop of water, which is lower than all things, yet stronger even than the rocks. Confucius stated "ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon of star."
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

From a early age I could hardly wait to finish school. I would dream of all the things I could do without school being in the way. Just think my mornings and afternoons would be MY time. But then my brother opened up a pet shop. Why that was what I called a perfect job. Being surrounded by birds, fish, small animals. After school I would dash from the junior high to the pet shop and then Judi would pick me up when she left work. When school was over with I wondered what my life would be, married, children, job, university, growing old etc, etc, etc.
My journey of life. How does one grade their journey of life? Do we grade our life based upon what sort of house we live in? Does one drive a new car? Is your car a hummer? What job does one grade themselves? A factory, a desk job, common job? What is retirement going to be? Traveling, cruises, another country? Is one's passport full of stamps?
But what happens when a disease cuts your life short? When you can no longer enjoy traveling? The country side holds no interest like it was when healthy. Or food at a restaurant no longer settles well? Sometime Ellen and I would get in the car and just start off in direction. No plans, just drive off.
The point is we should not grade our journey of life. My life is still a journey. I am still traveling. It seems that we grade our life in all of the wrong areas. So I have a disease that hinders my traveling. I am still breathing. Ellen still fixes unusual dinners. I can still read. I can still walk through gardens. Ellen last year mentioned that I should move my chair to different corners of the yard so I can see a different picture. And do you know it worked. Yes a journey has an end, however I am still on my journey. What matters is how are we viewing this trip. I am not only traveling the length but also the width, the height, the angles. The only boundary to my travels are the one's that I have placed in front of my. The moment you take your eye off the bull's eye, we deviate the course. I place limits by worrying about the trip. The doubts lock me. We cannot know what lies ahead. We only know the moment. So use the moment wisely and cheerfully, eagerly. We should measure the journey not by time but by the action, the thought we put into it. The moments we have are like jewels, not just about size but by worth. Our moments should be note-worthy, enduring, long lived, like the jewels of time. Not buried with clumps of sod on top but out in the sun, twinkling, brightly, alive with the spectrum of colors, colors of life, colors of a journey, colors of moments.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

When dealing with a progressive muscle disorder with no cure at this moment and produces progressive chronic pain, you/I need to focus on something else. It is so easy to stay focused on oneself. We focus on the pain, the tears, the anger, the whatever we face in life. What we face in life, you need to remember that life in itself is progressive. Thus all of us need a bull's eye in life.
Can you imagine what life would be like if every moment is a high? Why for me, it would be exhausting. It is like mountain climbing, if you only walked on the tip of each mountain without walking through the valleys and meadows we would miss so much. There would be no bull's eye to focus on. Life is full of sorrow, setbacks and a lack of fortunes. The rivers and vales of life are what our memories are made from. It takes courage to face the raging rapids of rivers. It takes human endurance to side step the land mines in the valleys.
The saying that pops into my mind are;" this too shall pass.". My 'this too shall pass' will last a life time. I had to change my way of thinking. I had to change my activites. I had to change my bull's eye. But my life is mine. These changes of life I developed for me. So I had to faced these changes. I had to and still am, changing my fear. I consider this disease as my misfortunes. Why oh why was I cursed? It is only a curse if you stay in that frame of mind.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

I once read "to live content with small means-to seek elegance rather luxury, refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to the stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart, to bear cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never-in a word let the unbidden and unconscious grow up with the common."

The last couple of weeks have been so difficult to get through. The body is an amazing piece of life. You seem to be happy one moment and sad the next. I try hard to vitamins, herbs, and in not eating process food. However in a blink of an eye my body was in jeopardy. After seeing the MD, he sent me to the ER at Toledo Hospital. My toes were purple, swollen, and hurt while walking. Just from one day to the next, my toes on both feet were close to being amputated. I fretted about every moment after that, afraid that other clots were going to break and i would end up dead.
Why?
I cannot speak about others, but since my poly ( my pet name for polymyostsis) I have spent much effort to find happiness. Chasing that proverbial butterfly, while spending very little time on developing a character that will in itself, given any reasonable odds, make for happiness. No one is happy unless he/she is reasonably well satisfied with himself, so the quest for tranquility must begin with self-examination. Most time though, we do not like what we see. Further with this searching we come to see that each of us are unique and whose development alone can bring satisfaction. Each has a different butterfly. What works for one may not work for some one else
The ingredients of happiness are so simple that we might miss them. Happiness comes from within and rest most securely on simple goodness and a clear conscience. Selfishnesm is it's enemy. To make another happy is to be happy with one's self. It is quiet, seldom found for long in crowds, most easily won in a moment of solitude and reflection. It cannot be bought;indeed money has very little to do with it.
No matter what we face, in these dark moments of illness, we need to be happy with our selves. None of us are perfect and may find parts of our history that might darken it further. Thus with this mediation, self searching, just know, your peace you are searching for is there. Only you can do it for yourself.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

As you can see from the last blog, I was always on the move. I forgot about the little things in life. Yes I went through the motion of life. I read quickly and miss many small words or thoughts. I garden without truly enjoying it. I neglected the little insects and butterflies and birds. Oh yes I saw them and I really had fun but I was missing out. I got all caught up in this rat race of life. I forgot about the marvel of a seed pushed into earth. The color pattern of that little bee. I missed the antics of the squirrels. I always wondered how are the boys going to turn out. What will happen when they get older and how am I going to support this growing family. I was always thinking why, how, when, what, were etc. And I know I am not alone in this thinking. The problem with the ' rat race' it means by definition, that you and I are just that a rat/rodent. Racing from one spot to another, hoping to find that wonderful slice of cheese. What is the answer?
I can only anwser for myself. In the last six years, I have been battleing a muscle disorder. For me it meant to slow down. I was forced to pull in the reins of life. I loved running to this job, or that job, to volunteer for every little thing that was offered to me. However I was missing out on the little things of life.
So what changed? How was I able to pull out of this rat race of life? this battle? this disease? My disease saved my life. It forced me to slow down. Pushing on the brakes of life, I appreciate some of the smaller items. I have discovered some little sayings that have provided me lessons of simplicity. I hope you enjoy them as I have;
I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow.
Do you own your stuff or does it own you?
He who buys what he does not want ends in wanting what he cannot buy.
Too much good fortune can make you smug and unaware. Happienss should be like an oasis, the greener for the desert that surrounds it.
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.
A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as for the body.
Nature does not move in a straight line, and as part of mnature neither do we.
Neglecting small things because one wishes to do great things is the excuse of the faint-hearted.

Some find the thought of my disease saving my life troubling. However it has! I watched the baby squirrels chasing each other. Or the chipping sparrows catching worms dangling off the old locust tree. The many different kinds of bees tasting the sweet nectar of lovely flowers. I learnt that there are thousands different kinds of bees. You might think that this bit of information is odd, useless, however this bit of knowledge brought a smile to my face. What about you? How do you face the rat race of life?
With a wink and a nod, HeWal

I heard a story about two men walking along a crowed sidewalks in a downtown business area. Suddenly one exclained:'Listen to the lovely sound of that cricket.' But the other could not hear. He asked his companion how he could detect the sound of a cricket amid the din of people and traffic. The first man who was a zoologist, had trained himself to listen to the voices of nature. But he didn't explain. He simply took a coin out of his pocket and dropped it to the sidewalk, whereupon a dozen peole began to look about them. 'We hear,' he said, ' what we listen for.'
Listening! How do you and I perceive what listening means? What would of happened if our mother are not listening to us? Our mother's ears are tuned to each little sound we make. We all know that a period, a coma, a semi-coma change a sentence. Just like a laugh, a cry, a sigh, mean different wants/needs. A mother's listening skills are so crucial to satisfying our need at that moment.
The same techniques are used by our doctors. The more you share, the more they understand what we are feeling at that moment. Ellen is always stating,'have you written down all you symptoms?' I always answer yes. But that is never enough. 'I want you to read the list to me to make sure you are you not missing something.' I often think if I hold back information of how I am feeling, the doctor will fill in the blanks. No it does no work that why. Just as the doctor is trained to listen to us, not just our words, but also the noises within our body. What does that mean for us? To write down notes, much like if you are giving a discourse. Those notes are there to remind us what we might have forgotten. No fancy words, which we think are impressing the doc. No they are not impressed, the doc wants to hear just straight descriptive definitions. The doctor is just the second half of this business. The first half is your descriptive words. Too many words, like to few words, can choke the communication's flow. To hit the right balance, which is made up of you and the doc, try putting yourself in your doctor's shoe. Remember your long wait in the lobby? Those long waits are do to you and I. When you neglect describing some of your symptoms, you are making your doctor to spend more time with you. You are making his job difficult, while he is trying to figure what is going on in your body. These time-wasting habits saps the doctor's effectiveness.
So who are you? The cricket or the coin?
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

I think the very moment, I popped out the womb, I started to run. All of my early thoughts, I have, are of racing. There was a woods, just west of the old brick house. I remember all of my the siblings and others were going to that woods. I wanted to go in the worst way. But I had to wear shoes. Shoes for feet that long to be freed! Any way, I could not find my shackles, so I wasted time in trying to find them. I found those blasted shoes, and had to run as fast as a mosquitoe being chased by a swallow. That one memory has always driven my energy, the race, the race to taste eferythinkg out in that big old world. You cannot erase a first impression anymore than can you recover eaten candy. My impression was laid out before me.
Many of the comments from teachers was just that, I seem to be racing. When first married, Ellen would state 'Herb please slow down. I cannot walk that fast.' Or when the boys were young, the same thing, their little feet had a hard time to keep up. I can remember one time we had gone on a walk in a State Park. I was charging up the path and before long I heard a soft cry from behind and there were the two boys struggling to keep up. The boys were afraid that I would leave them there in those dark scary woods.
I learned to talk fast, walk fast, work fast, learn fast,drive fast, read fast-you get the picture. But the moment I was strucked with this muscle disorder, every thing came to a quick stop. My whole way of living changed. When you work at a pace without slowing down may actually be addictive. Stress hormones such as adrenaline, noradrenalin, or cortisol fuel arousal and create a seductive rush, the so called adrenaline high. When we operate at a high enough intensity for long enough, we progressively lose the capacity to shift to any other gear. My gears are still grinding to a halt. Well actually the grinding stopped a few years back. I sometime forget that I have a muscle disease. When the pain pills first kick in I don't feel the pain as much and that first impression starts back up, run. I was like an infant, learning all over again, to slowwww downnnn. I no longer can do things on the fly, I must have the presence of mind of slowing and in case of uncertainty decide in a different light. In order to continue, I must have full engagement. Full engagement begins with feeling eager to get to work in the morning, equally happy to return home in the evening and capable of setting clear boundaries. To build capacity, we or I, must push beyond the normal limits, training in the same manner as an elite athlete. This disease, this training, this change of life must continue, continue without the use of my muscles, but with the brain. No matter what we are dealt with, in order to receive that rush from hormones, we must push. Life does not have to quit. No matter what condition we are faced with, continue to race, just race in the brain.
With a wink and a nod-HeWal

Growing up in a household ( household includes aunts, uncles, cousins etc) of old European standard proved to be ever difficult for me. Some where along the way I became touchy, feely, with a quick smile. I am not sure what caused this change, but it happened. The first and almost only word from my grandfather was a short, loud 'HEY!' I jumped every time I heard it. I never heard the typical comments of 'my how you have grown', or 'come and give me a bit of honey' or 'how I love you.' Just heard the hey. After some time had pass, I learned to have fun with the hugging. I loved running up to a stoic aunt and give them a big hug. Each time it was the same; a grunt, a closing up of the limbs-I think this movement was a protectin of body contact, a gentle pushing away, a comment of aa ah ah ah nice to see you my boy. I have heard the words from male relatives;'I am not into that touchy stuff, I like a firm hand shake, or the chest is blowing out-again I think to prevent to much contact-.' Often you would get the "eye", the eye that penetrates to the bone. I always felt that the 'eye' was a warning, however it is a way of seeing who you are. Today I use this "eye." It can cause discomfort to some, but it is a way of understanding that person. The "eye" as I have come to understand, was a way of not making you feel uncomfortable, but it was the families' way of a hug.

I often wondered why was I so different from the rest of the family? Why were my emotions so close to the top? I can hear a point and it will have a big impact with my feelings. I can hear a song or a music piece and I am move strongly. I can watch a movie and cry. It got to the point when my boys are with me, I am sure they had bets on when the first tear would fall. I can see them leaning out from their seat, watching, watching, ever watching.

Now that I have grown some what older, I now know why. I know why I love to hug, to show emotion, to touch another. For a long time I tried to push it away. Why is it we try so hard to be something that we are not? This denial is akin to holding a finger in the dike. The pressure of suppressed feelings will eventually be too great, and the toll will show up somewhere;in anxiety, depression, or numbness, diminished performance on the job, a marriage that blows up, even physical illness.
With my illness it is hard to face my deep emotions, even healthy, we all refuse to accept who and what we have become. We often lack deep roots, firm beliefs and compelling values. We are easily buffeted by the prevailing winds. If we lack a strong sense of purpose we cannot hold our ground when we are challenged by life's inevitable storms. Instead, we react defensively, blaming the storm or simply disengaging and ceasing to invest our energy. Not until I started to fight this disease did I realize that I am a product of not just one side of the family but also from another side who were not afraid to show emotions. I have learned so much in these last few years, being force to stay still for long periods of time, time to think, and that I am like my dad. I am like my dad. What an honor to be like my dad, one who is always there. I only hope that my sons will in time feel the same about me. As I grow older and will face further deterioration of my body the thought of being my dad is a great comfort to me. It allows me to put a foot at a time in front of me, just a step at a time. With a wink and a nod, HeWal

Life? What is life? How is it that I am here? I am here due to a rhythim. We are all here due to the many different rhythms of life. It is these very rhythms that all of life is perfect, even though imperfect. Most rhythms of life however we are not aware of. Life has a pulse, a rhythmic, wavelike movement between activity and rest. The ebb and flow of the tides, the movements between seasons, and the daily rising and setting of the sun. Likewise, all organisms follow life-sustaining rhythms;birds migrating, bears hibernating, squirrels gathering nuts, all guided by rhythms-both those dictated by nature and those encoded in our genes. Our breathing, brain waves, body temperatures, heart rates, hormone levels and blood pressure. all have healthy or unhealthy rhythmic patterns. We are oscillatory beings in an oscillatory universe.
Full engagement requires cultivating a dynamic balance between the expenditure of energy {stress} and the renewal of energy {recovery} in all dimensions. The rhythmic wave is called oscillation it represents the fundamental pulse of life.

But when that natural rhythm is interrupted the following can happen;
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun said,
'pray which leg comes after which?'
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch.

We too are at times, thrown into a ditch when sicknesses, pain, a change in life, strikes. Our natural rhythms, or what we perceive as our rhythm of life, is thrown off course. I cannot tell you what to due, for we each have a unique rhythm. What works for me may not help you. What to do then? Understand your own rhythm. Understand your own body. Know your limits, your pain, your purpose, simply know your unique rhythm and work in harmony with that rhythm.

Helen Keller once said
"I am only one, but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

With a wink and a nod, HeWal

Conflicts occur in many forms such as; our friends, our relatives, our minds, our disease. How often do these conflicts occur? What helps you in facing these conflicts?
Friends try to help with a trip to a bar for a drink, or suggest this cup of herbal tea not that one, maybe water, but only bottle water not tap water. You do realize that water is a cure all? Families have a thousand different cures such as vitamins, a cup of soup, protein or baking in the sun. Our own mind is in conflict. Take a longer walk, eat less ice cream or no more coffee only tea. And how does the conflict occur with our disease. One moment ice cream helps to sooth and the next moment our disease rejects that soothing. Or the hot sauce taste good and the next time it burns. You think maybe today, I will walk an extra block and before the walk is over your legs cramp up.
What helps me? CO-CREATION. How in the world can co-creation help? First think of the definition of Co. It can be a shorten form for the state of Colorado or for a company. It can be the symbol for cobalt. It also stands for together, jointly, partner in an activity. What about creation? Simply to cause, to exist, to produce, or the act of investing.
I once read that the world is an interdepentent, vitally alive organism, of which you are an integral part. The energy of our differences can produce a precious gift we could never have experience alone. When we choose co-creation, we end separation, the root of conflict. Choosing to co-create will transform " your" vision into our "vision". Support will arise from everywhere.
C-creation is a natural result of accepting our connectedness to the world around us and recognizing it's indisputable interdependence. Co-creation is being open to synergistically creating systems that serve the universe of which you arena integral part and that support your overall vision and deep sense of purpose in life.
Every time you think you are not happy, say " I am happy". Say it strongly to yourself, even if your feelings are contradictory. Remember, it is your self- image and not you. Just as a fish can move in the water, you can instantly change to a happy, balanced attitude. It all comes down to you-the individual. To truly have good news, you must be the good news. It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.
With a nod and a wink-HeWal

When the weather is brewing storms, my body is also brewing it's own storms. My body aches. It takes the pain medicine longer to take affect.I feel like doing nothing. I use to think that I had no control. The weather has many different faces and when the weather's face wrinkles up, frowns, or tears up, I am doomed. I guess every moment we live is out of our control. I would see an accident and think if I had come through here a few moments earlier, I could be in the accident. Or in summer, I will water the flowers and then it rains later. I fill up the car with gas and the next hour it drops by 30 cents.
Our lives are essentially at the mercy of the vast powerful forces out there and beyond my/our control. Therefore, I am the victim of and at the mercy of--- As a consequence, it makes little difference what I want out if life; I have had to learn to settle for whatever I can get, since I am relatively powerless-however you are in charge of your life. No matter how many forces there my be which seem to influence or even dictate part of your life, there is always that part over which you control. When you are clear about what you want you will be infinitely less powerful and victimizable. You will not accept cheap substitutes willingly. It is not how much you know about life, but how you live your life that counts. Those who can avoid mistakes by observing the mistakes of others are most apt to keep free from sorrow. In a world full of uncertainties, the record of what has gone before-human experience-is a sure and reliable as anything of which we know.
The manner in which one single ray of light, one single precious hint, will clarify and energize the whole mental life of him who receives it, is among the most wonderful and heavenly of intellectual phenomena.
With a wink and a nod, HeWal